I caught myself in a mirror today.  I was dressed in black and facing the mirror head on, I hardly looked pregnant.  Later on I was talking to two women and it wasn’t until I stood up one of them realised I was pregnant.  Until now I have felt big and I’ve put on a lot of weight, but for a second it made me wonder if I’ve done the right thing?  But in my heart I know I have.

I chose not to have any prenatal care in this pregnancy.  I’ve felt fine so mostly kept away from the ‘professionals’.  My previous experiences with health care professionals or ‘carers’ (ha ha) have left me angry.  I have discovered that in pregnancy, birth and childcare women are dis-empowered and belittled.

I have been told stories by women who have lost pregnancies, and been left with no support.  Others have been advised of serious health problems and even told to leave the country and terminate their pregnancy for medical reasons, who have gone on to have perfect children.  Others have been told all looks great and not until after birth have they  discovered things were less than ‘perfect’.  So even though I’ve had one doctors appointment and after careful thought chose to have two scans, I have pretty much decided my pregnancy will unfold along its own natural course and what will be will be.  I chose to trust in my body and not to put myself through the stress and expense of uncaring medical care.

I am wary to write about my birth as I have a clear picture in my mind of what I’m hoping for and am scared expressing it will somehow curse my dream.  My desire to birth peacefully and safely at home and uninterrupted by strangers means I am traveling across the world with my two wee ones at 36 weeks pregnant, no small task!  The birth culture here in Dubai is out of control. Doctors are authoritarian and rigid, systematic policies  come before women’s wants and needs.

And after pregnancy and birth comes breastfeeding.  I have come to believe, after almost four years of mothering, that breastfeeding is much much more than a way of feeding.  Babies have an intense need to suck and benefit emotionally by being able to outgrow the need for mum in their own good time.  MC has continued to breastfeed through my pregnancy despite their being very little if any milk for her.  I am willing to breastfeed her and her new brother or sister and I hope it will help her remain secure in the unsettling time of her new siblings arrival.  It hasn’t been easy feeding her through the pregnancy.  It has been painful and often felt disgusting (breastfeeding aversion or agitation), but I have kept going believing it is what is right for her and that it is her decision to decide when she’s done, not mine.